Live Life. Life is Short. Life is an Adventure.

Street sign in West Chester, PA

Two things that made me laugh today.

The Rise and Fall of Twitter (Video)
The Adventures of Ace, DBA (cartoon).

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and barbies. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies.

God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Second Day. On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach.

God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day. On the Third Day God created the earth to bring forth plants, to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies.

God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day. On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for barbies.

God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day. On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies.

God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day. On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes.

God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day. On the Seventh Day God saw that the blokes were tired and needed a rest.

So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the barbie. Evening came and it was the end of the seventh day. God sighed, looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes and Sheilas, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns, and God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was bloody good.

IT WAS AUSTRALIA!!!!

I’ve been working at eBay lately. This is an organization where security is important. You have to sign in, and have a visible pass when moving around, you are effectively escorted around within areas. You can’t enter any buildings without the security access given to employees. You need access also for example to access the onsite cafeteria.

This week, while at the cafeteria when my escort took a seat while I waited for my lunch selection being prepared, I struck up a conversation with another visitor (obvious due to the visitor badge). I was asking him about his Samsung Blackjack phone, something I’d initially considered until I’d realized it run on Windows Mobile. No way am I going to willingly sell my soul to use a Microsoft Product. Anyway an interesting conversation that confirmed all my fears about general slowness, slow boot up time, crashes and apparently very poor battery life. This guy was a little concerned he could not find his escort as she had gone to another counter for something else. So I said to him, “You need to make sure you don’t walk around outside by yourself otherwise the men with machine guns will come out from nowhere”.

I’m Australian, we are not a serious folk, we joke around, I was joking however I did say it seriously. I often like to say something in a conversion that is unexpected, because it’s a gauge as to how people respond. Anyway, he took a moment, he seemed concerned, then you would think after a second he would realize it was a joke, but he didn’t. He paused some more, seemingly more concerned until I fessed up and told him I was joking. His eBay escort shortly returned and I had the chance again to relay the experience quickly, all of us laughing about it.

I was mentioning it to my flatmates and I thought in summary — “His expression and pause was just priceless.”

I was sent the following from a friend (Thanks HK), and I liked it so much I thought I should share it. My favourite line was “THOUGHT FOR THE DAY”. Boy have I been there!

NICKNAMES
* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale

BATHROOMS
* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
* The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
* A woman has the last word in any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
* Women love cats.
* Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
* A man marries a woman expecting that she won’tchange, but she does.

DRESSING UP
* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
* Any married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

* What a woman says: C’mon..This place is a mess. You and I need to clean. Your trousers are on the floor and you’ll have no clothes if we don’t do the laundry now.
* What a man hears: C’MON… Blah, blah, blah… YOU AND I… Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah… ON THE FLOOR… Blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES, blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW.

I met up with good friend Jay last week at the airport hotel in LA as we crossed paths. He had a great t-shirt on. Here is the actual image courtesy of XKCD, an excellent online comic. Buy Online.

What was just as funny was a lady at the bar asking what it meant, then asked me, “What’s My-squawl?”, when it was MySQL.

I guess I should mention the context. 3 squirrels playing on a tree branch; with nuts obviously

Something I said after over lunch discussion. Read more why here. Thanks Frank

• “Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.” ~ Jack Handy
• WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
• WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
• “When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” ~ Henny Youngman
• WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
• WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
• “When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!” ~ Brian O’Rourke
• WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
• WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
• “Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.” ~ Dave Barry
• WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
• To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group. Salvation in a can! ~ Dave Howell
• WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
• WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not
• And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here’s how it went:
  “Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this… A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

• Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. — Benjamin Franklin
• Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. — Kaiser Wilhelm
• Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer. –Henry Lawson
• You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. — Frank Zappa
• He was a wise man who invented beer. — Plato
• Life ain’t all beer and skittles, and more’s the pity. — George DuMaurier
• There can’t be good living where there is not good drinking. — Benjamin Franklin
• I would give all my fame for a pot of ale and safety. –William Shakespeare, ‘King Henry V.’
• The government will fall that raises the price of beer. — Czech Saying
• I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. –Frank Sinatra
• I think this would be a good time for a beer — FDR
• Fermentation may have been a greater discovery than fire. –David Rains Wallace
• Many battles have been fought and won by soldiers nourished on beer. –Frederick the Great
• I recommend..bread, meat, vegetables, and beer. — Sophocles
• It is disgusting to note the increase in the quantity of coffee used by my subjects and the amount of money that goes out of the country in consequence. Everybody is using coffee. If possible, this mu
• From man’s sweat and God’s love, beer came into the world. –Saint Arnold of Metz, The patron Saint of Brewers
• You can only drink 30 or 40 glasses of beer a day, no matter how rich you are. — Colonel Adolphus Busch
• I am not an alcoholic. I am a drunk. We don’t have to go to meetings. — Ron the Drunken Webmaster
• We’re wanted men, we’ll strike again, but first let’s have a beer. — Jimmy Buffett
• I work until beer o’clock. –Steven King
• Beer is an improvement on water itself — Grant Johnson
• Who cares how time advances? I am drinking ale today. — Edgar Allan Poe
• Everyone needs something to believe in…and I believe I’ll have another beer. — Steve Phelps
• I drink with impunity…or anyone else who invites me. — W.C. Fields
• I’m Allergic to grass. Hey, it could be worse. I could be allergic to beer. — Greg Norman
• Here’s to a long life and a merry one; A quick death and an easy one; A pretty girl and a true one; A cold beer, and another one. — Lewis Henry
• Beer glorious beer. Sing the praises of the first man to take barley and ferment the results now known as beer. Tip a cold pilsner to that unknown brewer. Give thanks to the beer god. I know not what
• I never drink beer before Noon. Lucky for me, it is always after Noon somewhere. — Ron the Drunken Webmaster
• You can’t drink all day…Unless you start in the morning. — Gary Larson
• Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time. - Catherine Zandonella
• Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. - Ambrose Bierce
• Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
• A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her. - W.C. Fields
• Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder.
• If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomaches. - David Daye
• When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. - Henny Youngman
• Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
• I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. - Tom Waits
• 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
• If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. - Jack Handy
• It’s better to have beer in hand than gas in tank.
• Life is too short to drink cheap beer.
• Beer - it’s not just for breakfast anymore
• One more drink and I’d be under the host. - Dorothy Parker
• When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. - Dave Barry
• Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. - Dave Barry
• Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. - Dave Barry
• The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. - Humphrey Bogart
• If nothing beats a XXXX, given the choice, I’d take the nothing…
• A drink a day keeps the shrink away. - Edward Abbey
• May you live as long as you want, but never want as long as you live